Releasing control

When I was five years old, I watched the movie Jaws. Once. I don’t think I actually finished it because it was that movie that brought on a debilitating fear of sharks. From that point on, I was afraid of sharks. I had nightmares about one swallowing my entire house whole. At five, I didn’t understand that 1) a shark swallowing an entire house whole was impossible and 2) I lived in a landlocked city, no where near any shark. At thirteen, we went on a vacation to Disney and Daytona Beach with family friends. While at Disney, we snorkeled at Typhoon Lagoon. I loved it, until I saw the nurse sharks. Yes, they were harmless nurse sharks but I didn’t care, they were still sharks. I remember hyperventilating and not swimming until one of the lifeguards pulled me onto one of the stopping places (probably there for people like me). I still have this fear, and a fear of clowns, but I’ve at least outgrown my nightmares of death by sharks.

Now, sitting with a cancer diagnosis, a shark of a different nature, I am forced to actually think about my own mortality in a much different way. It’s scary to start planning out your affairs at 39 years old. I made checklists of accounts, put a binder together of all the life insurance policies for our family, and made lists of mine and the kids’ accounts and passwords. I started closing subscriptions to websites. All of this happened in my first two weeks of learning my diagnosis. I went into a tunnel of planning all of the “what-ifs.” But then, one day, sitting in my consultation with my oncologist at MD Anderson, I just felt at peace with my situation.

I had little signs pop up showing me that God was there and leading me through this. I know longer cry about my diagnosis. I don’t ask why me. I haven’t had to take my anxiety medication. I am just at peace. I trust in God’s plan for me. Sometimes, even the most difficult and trying times, we need to just let go of the control we think we have on our lives and just trust.

As I have mentioned before, I am a planner and an organizer. I thrive from lists and planners (I have 3 that I use). There is just something gratifying in making a list in the morning and checking those things off before the end of the day. Being able to have control of my daily schedule is something I value. I would stay up late checking off my lists and working, and get up early to start the morning routine. I was running on a few hours of sleep and caffeine every day. But I was okay with this because I was controlling my day-to-day schedule. Cancer doesn’t let that happen. With cancer, there is no control. There is no predictability. While I still keep up my planners (mainly for the kids’ schedules) and make checklists for chores when I’m home, I have learned that I don’t have to stick to them. I am learning to be more flexible. Sometimes, I wonder if this was God’s way of slowing me down and showing me that I need to just enjoy my life and not just spend it checking things off.

I leave you with this weekly scripture message I received today:

“The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. Psalms 16:5

God is in control and in knowing this, you find true peace and rest.”